خویشتنداری جنسی

مجله تفریحی سرگرمی دخترونه

رابطه جنسی

جوانان تا زمانی که ازدواج میسر شود باید خودکنترلی جنسی داشته باشند

 

با توجه به این موضوع که سن ازدواج بالا رفته، فاصله زمانی میان بلوغ جنسی و ازدواج نیز زیاد شده است. این مقاله به این سوالات پاسخ میدهد که تا زمانی که ازدواج میسر شود، با غریزه جنسی چه باید کرد؟ از طرف دیگر ممکن است امکان ازدواج تا سالیان طولانی میسر نشود یا حتی عده ای ناخواسته مجرد بمانند، در اینصورت تکلیف چیست؟

 

در پاسخ به این سوالات علم و دین خودکنترلی و تقوا، خودارزشی و عزت و وجدان را به جوانان پیشنهاد می کند تا رفتار متعادل داشته باشد. راه و روش کمک گیری از این اصول را با این راهکارها تمرین کنید:

خودکنترلی در سه پله
امروز به خاطر احاطه محرک های جنسی، هماهنگ نبودن سرعت بلوغ عقلی و جسمی، تفریحات مجازی ارزان و خطرناکی مثل ماهواره، بازی های رایانه ای نامناسب و… راه سختی برای خودکنترلی جنسی در پیش دارند. در این میان نقش والدین به عنوان بلد راه و راهنما خیلی جدی و اثرگذار است. الگویی که روش خودکنترلی پیشنهاد می کند این مراحل مهم را از شما می خواهد:

۱) مرحله اول خودارزیابی است. فضای دوستانه ایجاد کنید تا جوان فکر، دغدغه و نیازهایش را برای شما بگوید. ممکن است جوانی از بیکاری و یکنواختی سرگرمی هایش یا تنهایی اش بگوید؛ این موارد می تواند زمینه انحراف جنسی را به وجود بیاورد و اگر والدین این را بدانند می توانند زودتر به فکر چاره جویی باشند. این بیان شرایط برای جوان خودارزیابی می آورد؛ یعنی کم کم با توضیح دادن شرایط خودش می فهمد که چه می خواهد. در این مرحله به او کمک کنید تا از شرایط و بایدها و نبایدهای خاص شرعی و عقلی و دینی و عرفی هم بیشتر بداند.

۲) خودنظارتی که معادل مراقبه در اسلام است. در این مرحله برای جوانان ایجاد عادت کنید تا در زمان های خاصی مثلا آخر شب، آخر هفته ها، موقع هر نماز و… عملکرد خودش را با آن اصل ها و بایدها و نبایدهای دینی و عقلی و خانوادگی مطابقت دهد. نیازی نیست با صدای بلند به شما جواب دهد. مهم است که جوان به جواب پس دادن به خودش عادت کند. شما هم جلوی اوچنین تمرین هایی داشته باشید.

۳) برای عملی شدن این مرحله که در روانشناسی «خودهدایتی» و به قول اسلام «محاسبه» است می توانید بگویید:برای خودت یک تنبیه پیشنهاد کن. حتی برعکس خودش می تواند تشویق هایش را هم به شما پیشنهاد کند. عادت به تنبیه و تشویق، خود حافظ بچه ها در غیاب بزرگ ترهاست و از درون به آنها کمک می کند.

جوان های باوجدان، خویشتن دارند
وجدان یک ابزار فطری برای قضاوت رفتار خوب یا بد هر فرد است که اگر قدرت پیدا کند می تواند فرد را به انجام کارهای درست تشویق و از کارهای اشتباه دور کند. وجدان مثل یک عضله سالم به بچه ای که به دنیا می آید داده می شود اما قدرت آن به شدت تمرین بستگی دارد. اگر فرزندی دائم پای تبلت، تلویزیون و… باشد و کمتر با محیط اجتماعی تعامل داشته باشد دیکته نانوشته ای می شود که غلط ندارد. این خوب بودن به خاطر مهیا نبودن شرایط بدی است و تمرین عملی برای وجدان ایجاد نکرده است. علاوه بر این بچه های دور از ارتباطات اجتماعی، فرصت کمتری برای کمک به دیگران و صواب ها دارند که این دلیل دیگری برای ضعیف شدن وجدانشان است. مطالعات نشان می دهد افرادی که به آنها کمتر احترام شده است و رابطه صمیمی کمتری با والدین خود داشته اند کمتر تمایل به رفتارهای احترام آمیز و تذکر دادن به خود دارند و وجدان فعالی نخواهند داشت.

مهارت های خویشتنداری جنسی
طرّاحان برنامه «فقط خویشتنداری»، به عنوان نمونه در یک مورد، شش مهارت یا شش گام برای رسیدن به خویشتنداری جنسی را مطرح کرده اند که عبارت اند از:

۱٫ لباس های مناسب بپوش. طرز لباس پوشیدن تو برای دیگران، پیام هایی می فرستد، حتی اگر تو قصد این کار را نداشته باشی. مردان (بیشتر از زنان) از طرز لباس پوشیدن تأثیر می پذیرند؛ زیرا آنان طوری آفریده شده اند که با آنچه می بینند، تحریک جنسی می شوند.

۲٫ از داروهای روان گردان و الکل استفاده نکن. این دو، توانایی تصمیم گیری و رویارویی و «نه گفتن» را کاهش می دهند.

۳٫ برای مدتی طولانی، با هم تنها ننشینید؛ زیرا این کار، به سرعت، به ارتباط فیزیکی (تماس بدنی) منجر می شود.

۴٫ فقط با افرادی که اهداف مشابهی مانند تو دارند، بیرون برو؛ چون حفظ نظام ارزشی را برای تو آسان می کند.

۵٫ نیاز عشق خود را بشناس. شناخت نقاط آسیب پذیر خود، تو را از اشتباهات جدّی حفظ می کند.

۶٫ معیار خود را در سطحی بالا قرار ده و قبل از آن که اوضاعْ حاد شود، آن را معیّن کن.

در موارد شش گانه بالا، به ترتیب از: حجاب و پوشش، مشروبات الکلی، خلوت نکردن با نامحرم، دوستان ناباب، نقطه ضعف شخصی هر فرد، و بالا بردن سطح معیار، سخن به میان آمده است که هر کدام از این مهارت ها به نوعی، در دینْ مطرح شده اند.

در نمونه دیگری نیز چنین آمده است: «رسانه، دوستان و خودت را نیز فراموش نکن؛ اینها چیزهایی هستند که انسان را به فعالیت جنسی، مجبور می کنند…». در این توصیه، به نقش رسانه های مکتوب، شنیداری و تصویری در تضعیف خویشتنداری اشاره شده است.

 

مسایل جنسی

جوانان راه سختی برای خودکنترلی جنسی در پیش دارند

 

 

مهارتِ نه گفتن
بحث مهمّ دیگری که در همین زمینه در غربْ مطرح شده، آموزش “مهارت های نه گفتن ” است. بررسی ها نشان داده که بسیاری از افراد، بدین خاطر خویشتنداری خود را از دست می دهند که نمی توانند در برابر فشار روانیِ تقاضا برای سکس «ارتباط جنسی» از طرف مقابل، مقاومت کنند و با جدّیت و صراحت، نه بگویند. به همین دلیل، کارشناسان، سناریوهایی را طراحی می کنند و به جوانان و نوجوانان جامعه خود، آموزش می دهند که در چنین موقعیت هایی چه باید بگویند و چگونه باید مقاومت کنند.

مثلاً در یکی از این سناریوها آمده است:
اگر دوستت گفت: لمس کردن یکدیگر، باعث رشد انسان هاست…
بگو: تو باید رشد کنی و اطلاعاتت را بیشتر کنی. من آن قدر پخته هستم که بدانم این کار، آرامش من و برنامه هایم (برای آینده) را خراب می کند.

اگر دوستت گفت: رفتار تو مثل یک بچه کوچک است…
بگو: اتفاقاً رفتار من مثل آدم های با تجربه است. به اطرافت نگاه کن. ببین ارتباط بدون مسئولیت پذیری و بدون برنامه، چه قدر جوان ها را بدبخت کرده است.

اگر دوستت گفت: تو کنجکاو نیستی؟ فکر می کنی به یک بار تجربه کردن، نمی ارزد؟
بگو: من درباره خیلی چیزها کنجکاو هستم ؛ امّا معنایش این نیست که بخواهم خودم قربانی بشوم یا موش آزمایشگاهی باشم. بالأخره، امکان صدمه دیدن من هست. پس نمی ارزد!

اگر دوستت گفت: همه این کار را می کنند….
بگو: اولاً خیلی ها خویشتندار هستند و ثانیاً بیشتر کسانی که تو می گویی، سرانجام، سرشکسته و متأسف می شوند و ثالثاً من همه نیستم و می دانم که چه کاری برای من صحیح است.

اگر دوستت گفت: برای این که دوستت داشته باشند، باید بیشتر جلو بروی…
بگو: من نمی خواهم برای دوست داشته شدن، اجازه بدهم کسی از من سوء استفاده کند.

اگر دوستت گفت: ولی من دوستت دارم…
بگو: پس به تصمیم من احترام بگذار و احساسات مرا پایمال نکن.

اگر دوستت گفت: به من نشان بده که چه قدر دوستم داری…
بگو: من با خویشتنداری و انتظار کشیدن تا روز ازدواج، به تو نشان می دهم که چه قدر دوستت دارم.

اگر دوستت گفت: مشکل تو چیست؟
بگو: من هیچ مشکلی ندارم. فقط در برنامه زندگی ام، الآن وقت ازدواج و مادر (یا پدر) شدن نیست و اصلاً آمادگی ندارم که دغدغه حاملگی یا مبتلا شدن به یک بیماری لاعلاج یا شنیدن حرف های انتقادآمیز دیگران را هر روز، با خودم داشته باشم. پس باید خویشتندار باشم و انتظار بکشم.

اگر دوستت گفت: کسی که چیزی نمی فهمد…
بگو: خودم که این را می فهمم.

اگر دوستت گفت: تو مرا هیجان زده کرده ای و حالا نباید این طور رهایم کنی، وگرنه رفتارت در حقّ من، بی انصافی و غیر انسانی است. چه طور وجدانت چنین اجازه ای می دهد؟!
بگو: من مسئول تحریک شدنِ هیجانات تو نیستم و نمی توانم به قیمت راضی شدن تو، خودم را به عذاب وجدان و سرزنش بیندازم. تو باید خودت را کنترل می کردی. به علاوه، تو ممکن بود با یک فیلم یا ژس یا دیدن یک عابر در خیابان هم تحریک بشوی. پس به نفع خودت است که یاد بگیری خودت را کنترل کنی.

اگر دوستت گفت: اگر قبول نکنی، دیگرانی هستند که با اشتیاق می پذیرند…
بگو: برایت متأسفم که مرا به خاطر این چیزها دوست داشتی. خوش حال می شوم که به سراغ دیگری بروی.

منبع: تبیان

مجلهتفریحیسرگرمیدخترونه

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