در هنگام دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند چه باید کرد؟

مجله تفریحی سرگرمی دخترونه

در هنگام دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند چه باید کرد؟

تربیت فرزند,دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزندان,اصول تربیتی فرزندان اصول تربیتی فرزندان
 
هرچقدر هم تمامی اصول تربیتی را برای آموزش فرزندتان به کار بگیرید باز هم گاهی اوقات از فرزندتان رفتاری سر می‌زند که ممکن است در یک جمع خانوادگی باعث شرمنده شدنتان شود. بدتر از همه وقتی است که پای دخالت شخص دیگری وسط می‌آید و با سرزنش و یا تایید بی جای رفتار فرزندتان وارد حریم شخصی شما و او می‌شود.

به نظر شما انتظار داشتن یک کودک بدون رفتار اشتباه درست است یا غلط؟
بعد از تولد فرزند ما با او در یک مسیر مشترک قرار می‌گیریم؛ مسیری که در یک دوره هجده یا نوزده ساله او را در راهی درست هدایت کرده و به عنوان یک فرد بزرگسال و توانمند برای وارد شدن در محیط بزرگ‌تر یعنی جامعه آماده‌اش می‌کنیم.

خیلی اوقات والدین به خاطر رفتاری که فرزندشان در جمع از او سر می‌زند شرمنده هستند و ترس این را دارند که دیگران در مورد آنها و فرزندشان چه قضاوتی می‌کنند. زیرا والدین از این واهمه دارند که دیگران فکر کنند آنها در مورد تربیت فرزندان کوتاهی کرده‌اند و وظایشان را به درستی انجام نداده‌اند. در حالیکه برای مثال قرار نیست یک کودک ۴ یا ۵ ساله در آن سن کم به حد کمال و رشد خود برسد بلکه فرزند شما بناست در طی سالیان سال به رشد و کمال خود برسد. بنابراین طبیعی است در طی این دوران اشتباهات زیادی از او سر بزند.

اما والدین در روند آموزش فرزند به جایی می‌رسند که بیش از هر چیزی بیشتر نگران قضاوت افراد جامعه در مورد خودشان هستند؛ اینکه آنها فرزندشان را خوب آموزش نداده‌اند و اهمیت این موضوع برایشان مهم‌تر از مشکلات احتمالی است که ممکن است برای فرزندشان به وجود بیاید.

در واقع از همینجاست دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند شروع می‌شود و والدین با داشتن چنین دیدگاهی به دیگران اجازه می‌دهند که وارد حریم آموزشی آنها با فرزندشان شوند. متاسفانه در جامعه ما چیزی به عنوان حریم فردی شناخته شده نیست و این موضوع حتما باید فرهنگ سازی شود. خصوصا در مورد آموزش فرزندان والدین باید حریم فردی را در نظر بگیرند زیرا غفلت از این موضوع باعث اثرات جبران ناپذیری به فرزندانشان می‌شود.
 
دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند آیا تاثیری روی فرزندان هم می‌گذارد؟
فرض کنید از فرزندتان رفتاری سر زده که اشتباه است. در این شرایط به جای اینکه مادر و پدر مستقیم فرزندشان را سرزنش کنند دایی خانواده، فرزندشان را سرزنش و گاه حتی تنبیه می‌کند. هرچند توبیخ و تنبیه در آموزش فرزندان اساسا غلط است، اما وارد شدن دایی در حریم رابطه والدین و فرزند باعث می‌شود که فرزند مفهوم حریم شکنی را یاد بگیرد.

اما وقتی پدر و مادر اجازه دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند و مهم‌تر از همه دخالت در حریم شخصی خود و فرزندشان را نمی‌دهند با اینکار احساس امنیت نیز در فرزندشان به وجود می‌آورند. زیرا والدین برای فرزندشان مرجع قدرت به حساب می‌آیند و اگر قرار باشد هرکسی در این بین در امر آموزش فرزندان دخالت کند و مرجع قدرت کودک شود شرایطی پیش می‌آید که کودک مجبور است در مقابل همه این افراد بله و چشم بگوید و هرگز نمی‌تواند شخصیت مستقل خود را شکل دهد.

کودکی که در این شرایط آموزش می‌بیند به تدریج شان انسانی خود را فراموش می‌کند. این فرزند در آینده وقتی وارد جامعه می‌شود و برای مثال با بدرفتاری رئیس خود رو به رو می‌شود نحوه برخورد درست را نمی‌داند زیرا در زمان کودکی این موقعیت را هرگز برایش فراهم نساختیم. در آن زمان هرکسی به خودش اجازه می‌داد که راجع به فرزندمان هر نظری دلش خواست بدهد.

به عقیده من حالت ایده‌آل آن این است که اگر پدر و مادر مرتکب خطایی در امر آموزش فرزند شدند و بنا باشد کسی در این مورد دخالت کند فقط دولت به نمایندگی جامعه این مسئولیت را بر عهده گیرد زیرا اگر کودک مورد بدرفتاری قرار بگیرد در آینده باعث آسیب به جامعه خواهد شد. بنابراین اثرات منفی دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند تنها مربوط به خود او نیست و پیامدهای بزرگ‌تری دارد.

 

تربیت فرزند,دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزندان,اصول تربیتی فرزندان تاثیرات دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزند

 
حساسیت خانواده‌ها برای رفتار بی نقص بچه‌ها چه پیامدی دارد؟
فرهنگ غلطی که در جامعه ما وجود دارد باور به «اشتباه نکن» است. والدین با باید و نباید و کنترل فرزند او را در یک محیطه ایزوله تحت آموزش قرار می‌دهند. در این شرایط وقتی فرزندشان به سن ۱۸ سالگی رسید و وارد جامعه شد مهارت‌هایی مانند تصمیم گیری و مهارت انتخاب را ندارد زیرا همیشه با باید و نبایدهایی که خانواده‌اش برایش مشخص کرده است زندگی کرده و در نتیجه باز هم به دنبال کسی است که او را تحت کنترل داشته باشد. حالت برعکس آن هم ممکن است اتفاق بیفتد یعنی این شخص درآینده تبدیل به یک شخص مستبد شده و در زندگی زناشویی‌ به همسرش مدام باید و نباید خواهد گفت. متاسفانه در این حالت شاهد تکرار همان چرخه غلط هستیم.

یادمان باشد فرزند شما از همان لحظه‌ای که به دنیا آمد یک انسان است و دارای شان انسانی است و والدین حق ندارند شان انسانی فرزندشان را زیر پا بگذارند. وقتی شان انسانی فرزندمان را بپذیریم دیگر به خودمان اجازه نمی‌دهیم که با فرزندمان تحقیرآمیز صحبت کنیم.

بنابراین باید دو اصل را در نظر بگیریم. اول اینکه فرزند ما قرار نیست از همان ابتدا کامل باشد و مساله مهم دیگر این است که او به عنوان یک انسان شان انسانی دارد. وقتی به این ۲ اصل اعتقاد داشته باشیم در هنگام انتقاد و سرزنش دیگران در مورد رفتار فرزندمان دیگر آنقدر ناراحت و عصبی نمی‌شویم و به اصطلاح عامیانه به ما بر نمی‌خورد. فرزند ما در حال طی کردن دوره رشد خود است و تمام این رفتارها طبیعی است.

حتی وقتی موضوع شان انسانی وسط می‌آید من ترجیح می‌دهم که به جای واژه «تربیت» از واژه «آموزش» استفاده کنم.

بهترین راهکار برای جلوگیری از دخالت دیگران چیست؟
همانطور که بارها تاکید کرده‌ایم قبل از آموزش فرزندان این پدر و مادر هستند که باید آموزش‌های لازم را در این زمینه ببینند. به عبارتی تا شما یک فرد بزرگسال نباشید از عهده آموزش فرزندتان بر نمی‌آیید. یعنی اگر والدین هنوز کودکی هستند که دنبال تایید دیگران هستند نمی‌توانند به خوبی فرزندشان را تحت آموزش درست قرار دهند.

اما یادمان باشد ما قرار نیست به عزیزانمان توهین یا بدرفتاری کنیم بلکه قرار است به بهترین شکل ممکن به آنها بگوییم که حریم آموزشی شما و فرزندتان را رعایت کرده و به آن احترام بگذارند. اگر دخالت دیگران در تربیت فرزندمان همچنان ادامه داشت و تکرار شد در نهایت باید حریم خود را به روی دیگران ببندیم و مانع آسیب فرزندمان شویم. ما نمی‌توانیم تنها به خاطر اینکه دیگران از ما دلخور و آزرده نشوند اجازه دهیم در امر آموزشی فرزندانمان دخالت کنند.

اگر شخصی از اقوام نزدیک مانند دایی، خاله، عمه یا حتی مادربزرگ و پدربزرگ در امر آموزش فرزندمان اظهارنظر و یا دخالت کردند ابتدا از آنها به خاطر علاقه و اهمیتی که به فرزندتان می‌دهید تشکر کنید. سپس به او بگویید که روش آموزشی شما برای فرزندتان متفاوت و مختص خودتان است. تصور نکنید با اینکار به آن شخص توهین و یا بی احترامی کرده‌اید چون شما جمله زشتی به زبان نیاورده‌اید بنابراین حتی اگر این خواهش در مقابل فرزند هم صورت بگیرد هیچ ایرادی ندارد. حتی فرزندتان نیز با مشاهده این اتفاق یاد می‌گیرد که اگر کسی وارد حریم شخصی او شد نیازی به توهین نیست و قاطعانه می‌توان برخورد کرد. در این فضا کودک احساس امنیت می‌کند.
 
آیا می‌توان برای حفظ احترام بزرگ‌تر در ظاهر از فرزندمان بخواهیم که حرف کسی را مثلا مادربزرگ یا پدربزرگ را تایید کند؟
خیر به هیچ وجه. گاهی اوقات مواردی پیش می‌آید که برای مثال مادر و پدر از فرزندشان می‌خواهند که در مقابل بزرگ‌تر به اجبار چیزی را تایید کند تنها به خاطر اینکه حرمت آن شخص زیر سوال نرود و حتی ممکن است فرزندشان را نیز برای این چشم اجباری تحت فشار قرار دهند. با اینکار شما به فرزندتان یاد می‌دهید که وقتی کسی شما را مورد آزار و یا تحت فشار قرار داد نمی‌توانی از حق خود دفاع کنی. در واقع با همین اتفاق در ظاهر ساده فرزند شما در آینده قدرت «نه»گفتن را هم نخواهد داشت و به دیگران اجازه می‌دهد که به راحتی حق و حقوق او را پایمال کنند.

 

منبع: ninisite.com

 

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